Letter to myself.

         I do not know how to title this post. But I know naming a post doesn't matter. What matters is that I write and do not stop in the middle. I mean, not to abandon this writing process somewhere in the middle because I have nothing to write or the feeling that I do not write well enough or simply because I am moody and hate my life sometimes. Well, that would not be the case henceforth. I will write and will not stop. This new declaration which seems very determined and strong to me has a story behind it. The story is very simple. When we really really want to make a progress in our lives, we will honestly do something about it. How hard we try, what efforts we put in and how strongly we go forward, everything depends on the intensity with which you wish for a new life. Or for a long lasting positive change in your life. This is the story. A story which everyone knows but forgets too. I too have heard the story but this time I thought I will spare some time thinking about it. Because I am there. On the verge of my sanity. I thought I was the epitome of negativity. Everything negative. Not that I physically hurt people or myself. But the mental agony I was giving myself as well as others was too much. I am 27 now and haven't done anything worth remembering till date. Regret and anger are my best companions. At any point I am either regretting or feeling angry for many things. But not anymore. I don't say I have transformed completely. But as I said, standing here, on the verge of my sanity and knowing that one wrong step can take my life away forever has forced me do something. Something which can be termed as 'progressive'. 

            It was in last year that I first went for a Buddhist study meeting. I was interested but not so keen about joining the group or to begin the practice or to study further. I went because I like Buddha. Well who doesn't? I only attended 2 or 3 meetings mostly because I was out of the town when the meetings were conducted. I did not bother much is another reason. Nevertheless I did not completely abandon it too. Whenever I was around, I did go and participate, even though I used to wonder why was I going. And now I know why.After one of the meetings which were conducted this year, I decided to take up this practice. Right now, this practice is like a lifeline for me. Now when I think about it, it was all connected. I got introduced to that group just because a friend of mine who knew about this saw a statue of Buddha in my room. I could not attend many sessions and I was least bothered. I did not even bother to read more about anything. But I still went and now I have taken up this practice. I see this practice as a wonderful opportunity to help me see things in a different perspective and set everything right which i think is wrong in my life. Now, the truth has hit me hard. Truth that everything I see is a mere reflection of my inner self. So change begins here. Inside me. It is not easy. To let go of things and make new convictions. I do not want to see the world through a broken glass anymore. Sure, there are lot of things which I need to work on. My extremely short temper, my irritability, my stubbornness, my reasons, arguments, lot of things need to be changed and not to mention the resistance I would face from myself.Though negative, all these together made my world. Though they spoilt my days, damaged my relationships, there was always something cozy about them. It was easy to let one of them rule me. There was no check-point and I was at the liberty of expressing whatever I feel. Which need not be right always. Necessary always. There will be a craving to go back to them. A tendency quite strong to overpower me anytime. And as I already mentioned, it is easy too. But I hope I would not do that. It is not going back. It is moving forward. I know and I believe that many of us have reached this point where they introspect and consequently take some action. Many might be on their journey to reach this point. A few more strides and you are there. And many others will be blissfully ignorant of this point until something strikes them hard. Everyone takes his/her own time. 

       I have not reaped so many benefits and it is too early to write essays on this. But I would love to. I would love to write huge essays about change. The positive ones. Those which would elevate us into a higher level. And this is only a beginning.